Native American Jokes
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?” “Yeah,” says the other cowboy. “Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.” Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.” “Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!” The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!” An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”
The tourist was admiring the Indian’s necklace. “What is it made of?” she asked. “Alligator’s teeth,” the Indian replied. “I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.” “Oh, no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster.”
“Dad, do you think that the American Indians were superior to the white men who took this land from them?” asked the young boy. “You bet,” replied the father. “When the Indians were the sole occupants of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no centralized government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs, no banks, no stock markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did all the work. What could be more superior to that?”
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm. “This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?” The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, “By the way, what’s with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He’s been there ever since I arrived.” “Oh that’s ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’,” said the manager. “The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life.” The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief’s memory to the test. “G’dye, myte!” said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?” “Eggs,” was the chief’s instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not’s great memory. (One local noted to him that ‘How’ was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ‘G’dye myte.’) On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. “How,” said the Aussie. “Scrambled,” said the Chief.
A tourist stopped off at a small railroad station where, sitting by the side of the tracks, there were Indians selling their wares. The tourist saw a blanket he liked very much, and was told that the price was a hundred dollars. The tourist offered fifty. The Indian said, “Price is one hundred. Bargains like Manhattan you no get anymore!”
A Native American Indian came to New York for the first time and checked into a hotel. Tired from a long bus ride, he went right to his room. On the bed was a blanket. The Indian picked it up and walked down to the lobby. Putting the blanket on the check-in-counter, he told the clerk, “Last man in room leave overcoat!”
Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite. The maitre d’ asked, “Do you have a reservation?” One Indian chief answered, “Certainly. In Arizona!”
As the Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along towards the north, they spotted a war party of 50 Apaches coming at them. They turned south and spotted a war party of 100 braves coming at them. Then, they turned east and spotted a war party of 150 braves coming at them. Finally, they turned west and spotted a war party of 200 braves coming at them. The Lone Ranger turned to his friend and said, “Well, Tonto, this is the end, there’s not much we can do.” Tonto looked back at the Lone Ranger, and replied, “What you mean WE, white man?”
When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, “I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee”. The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, “I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche”. The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, “I am a Fuckawee.” The teacher looks dumb founded. She says, “I don’t think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee.” The little boy says, “My Father and I walked for many days and many nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around. “He said hmm, where the Fuckawee.”
It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!” The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya! Hoya!”. The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!” “Hoya! Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet. “I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!” The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!” After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. “Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”
A man and woman are driving on the same road. They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, “PIG!” The man yells out the window, “BITCH!”
The man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.
Thought for The Day: If only men would listen….
My cousin Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.
The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest prove I’m 65?”
She said, “All right sir, I believe you. But we have to have definitive proof. You’ll need to bring in your birth certificate.”
He goes back home and his wife says, “Fool, I know you didn’t get the Social Security started. Your papers are laying right here.”
“Oh, I got it started,” he says.
“How did you do that?” she asked.
“I just showed them the grey hairs on my chest,” he says.
She says, “You should have pulled down your pants and gotten disability, too.
Ten Things To Say To A White Person
How much white are you?
I’m part white myself, you know.
I learned all your people’s ways in the Boy Scouts.
My great-grandmother was a full blood European princess.
Funny, you don’t look white.
Where are your powdered wigs and knickers?
Do you live in a covered wagon?
What’s the meaning behind the square dance?
Oh, wow! I really love your hair. Can I touch it?
What’s your feeling about riverboat casinos? Do they really help your people, or are they just a short-term fix?
Chizzie and Rita go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and Rita goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces Rita and kisses her passionately. Rita shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to Chizzie and says, “This is what Rita needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
Chizzie thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays, I gotta herd sheep.”
Two Moons: “Have you ever had an Eskimo seven-course dinner?”
Little Man: “No. What’s an Eskimo seven course dinner?”
Two Moons: “A six pack and some whale blubber.”
Question: What do you call 64 Cherokees in a tent?
Answer: A full blood.
Question: What do you call ten Pine Ridgers in a sweat lodge?
Answer: “Gorillas in the Mist.”
Cecelia Fire Thunder
This man at Whiteriver was visiting the trading post when he saw a dog lying in the corner. All of a sudden the dog started licking his dick.
“I wish I could do that,” he says.
One of the local Apaches says, “You better pet him first.”
“Have you ever had a Cherokee seven-course dinner?” said Andy.
“What’s that?” asked Two Moons.
“A six pack and a possum,” Andy replied.
These are excerpts from the forthcoming book, “Indin Jokes.” Dr. Dean Chavers is director of Catching the Dream, a national scholarship program for Native college students. Over 78 percent of CTD scholarship winners have earned a college degree, from BA/BS to MBA and Ph.D. CTD also makes grants to Indian schools for school improvement. Contact him at CTD4DeanChavers@aol.com for scholarship and grant information. He has helped over 1,200 Native students win over copy5 million in scholarships and get into Harvard, Stanford, Dartmouth, Columbia, Brown, Yale, and UCLA.Read more at http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2015/07/18/9-more-jokes-prove-indians-are-funniest-people-world-160985
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