Bear With Me! Still Moving in Humor of The Day

Rez style Humor

 

 

Yes, just put on my thinking cap! Gads I make so much work for myself sometimes!

Now to start over? Maybe ………..

 

 

 But in the mean time, keep those Polar Bears busy, out there on that melting ice 😉

 

 

White ones are the best. Crunchy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.

 

Okay moving day begins!

 

I AM ABORIGINAL! (parody of the “I AM CANADIAN” co

I AM ABORIGINAL! (parody of the “I AM CANADIAN” commercials) I’m not a drunk and I don’t live on the streets We don’t all play BINGO or VLT’s I DO KNOW Verna, Agnes and Jimmy… They are my Cousin’s We have a chief, he is also my Cousin We speak many different languages, not only cree. and I pronounce it ‘pantses’, NOT PANTS. We DON’T all get free money, education or health care, though some of us get $5 once a year. We were’nt all born on the REZ. We don’t all own Casino’s, but I’m sure our Chief and Council’s are working on it right now. AND THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL AND TASTES GOOD AS WELL. I HAVE NEVER DANCED A POW WOW, BUT I KNOW AN INDIAN PRINCESS, WE ARE NOT FROM INDIA, THEREFORE WE CANNOT BE INDIAN CANADA IS OUR LAND! THE FIRST NATION OF LACROSS! AND THE FIRST PEOPLE OF NORTH AMERICA! MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM ABORIGINAL!!!!!!!! At Wanblee in the 1940s, a group of old men used to sit on a bench in front of the general store, which also served as the town post office, waiting for mail and talking about old times and about tribal politics. Wanblee village is near the most rugged and beautiful area of the South Dakota Badlands, an area rich in fossils, and this attracted archaeologists and paleontologists to the area. One day a jeep load of student archaeologists drove up and one of them showed a skull of some prehistoric critter he had found. The elders studied the fossil carefully. “I found one just like this several years ago,” said one of the old men, “but it had an arrowhead stuck right above the eye.” He pointed to the spot. The young scholars became excited about the prospect of finding evidence of human existence on the continent thousands of years earlier than had been thought. What did you do with the skull, they wanted to know. “Oh … I threw it down a canyon.” He said, “We used to find lots of old stuff like that.” After he told them the approximate place he threw the relic, the explorers tore off in a cloud of dust, back to the badlands. The old man sat silent for a long while looking far away. The others sat quietly, looking down and smiling. Finally one of them looked up at him and grinned: “You old bullﾖr, you didn’t find no skull like that.” They all burst out laughing. “A Navajo man and a Ojibway woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on the train..After the initial embarrassment, and uneasiness, they both go to sleep.. He was sleeping on the top bunk, and she was on the lower.. Later that night the Navajo man leans over, wakes the Ojibway woman and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I am awfully cold.. I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?” The Ojibway woman leans out, and with a glint in her eye says, “I have a better idea.. Just for tonight, lei’s pretend we’re married!” The Navajo man happily agrees, saying “OK!!” Then the Ojibway woman says “GOOD…..GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!”” Why dont NDN’s celebrate Easter? Cause we havent figured out how to paint powdered eggs yet.

THE LAWYER

Some of the Indian humor was even reported in the early newspapers as in this example from the Bartlesville Magnet, 31 August 1900:

There was a lawyer in the Indian country who had none too good a reputation for honesty. One of the aborigines employed him to do a little legal business. It was done to the client’s satisfaction, the fee duly paid, and a receipt for it duly demanded.

“A receipt isn’t necessary,” the lawyer said.

“But I want it,” replied the red man. There was some argument, and the attorney finally demanded his reason. “Since becoming a Christian I have been very careful in all my dealings, that I may be ready for the judgment,” answered the brave sententiously, “and when that day comes I don’t want to take time to go to the bad place to get my receipt from you.”

The receipt was made out and delivered promptly.

 

New “NDN” Words

The following appeared in the July 5, 2001 issue of the Rapid City Journal, in a column entitled Four Directions, by Cheryl Long Feather, whose Indian name is Hunkuotawin. Cheryl writes for the Bismarck (N.D.) Tribune.

Commodify (kah MOD if eye) uncanny ability of Indian women to convert the ingredients of any standard cookbook recipe to commodity ingredients such as powered milk, powered eggs and canned meat.

Powwowvow (pow wow vow) the standard pledge of the powwow Romeo: “Sure, baby, I’ll meet you at the next pow wow. Your’re the only jingle dress dancer for me. Really! Look at this face. Would I lie?”

Moccashoe (Mock ah shoe) contemporary dancer footwear designed by beading the top of tennis shoes or aquasocks instead of making moccasins the old fashion way.

Skinship (SKIN ship) the eventual relative connection that all Indian people, discover within 10 minutes of meeting each other.

Vis a cheese(VEES ah cheez) mode of exchange in which a block of commidity cheese can purchase other goods or services.

Indinferior (IN din FEER ee your) a manifestation of self oppression; the practice of Indians looking down on other Indians for either not speaking the language or not being full blood or not participating in ceremonies or not living on the rez or not wearing braids or not dancing in pow wows or not having etc.etc., blah blah.

BIease (BEE EYE eez) an affliction within the Bureau of Indian Affairs characterized by the inability to keep track of millions of dollars.

Snaggravated (SNAG ra vayt ed) the annoying feeling one gets upon realizing that last night’s snag isn’t quite as hot in the light of day.

Triballistic (tribal ISS tik) to become irrational and incoherent upon hearing the latest self serving, short sighted and illogical decision made by the local tribal council.

Rezercize (REZ er size) the involuntary health regime of walking everywhere on the rez since your Indian car broke down for good.

Fordrum (FORD drum) the instrument used for singing purposes when a regular drum is not available; usually the dented hood of a one eyed Ford.

Frybreadth (FRY bredth) a unit of measurement based on the standard size of a piece of auntie’s frybread.

AlterNative (alter NAY TIV) an individual who was born and raised in the non Indian culture but recently “discovered” a “hidden” Indian ancestor so now uses pithy Indian phrases, assumes a name such as Laughing Rainbow, White Wolf or Dreams of Eagles, calls all Indian people Brother and Sister and wears genuine Hong Kong beadwork; usually found in the East and West coast region but had documented sighting in other regions as well.

Councilmenopause (cown sil MEN oh paws) a disorder characterized by hot flashes, profuse sweating impairment of speech and loss of memory; normally occurs only to tribal councilmen when cornered by a constituent.

Disunderstanding (DISS under stand ing) when non Indians think that they understand why tribes and individual Indians are the way they are, but attribute any and all behavior to the culture or the race.

 

An Indian, a white lawyer, a Cuban and a Russian were riding in the same
train car one day.

The Russian pulls out 4 bottles of Russian Vodka and passes them out.
After one swig, the russian throws his bottle out the window. “What did
you do that for?” asked the Indian. “In Moscow we have this stuff all
over…it is worth nothing.” replies the Russian.

Awhile later the Cuban pulls out 4 hand-rolled cuban cigars and passes
them out. After one puff he throws his out the window. “These are the
finest cigars in the world” says the Indian, “why did you throw it
away?” The Cuban replies “In Havana these are everywhere…they are
worthless.”

The Indian sits and puzzles this over for a while. Suddenly he stands up,
grabs the white lawyer and throws him out the window.

 

 

Ok Carole here it is…….

Remember now, Carole asked me via phone to put this one in here! CHANCE …… An old Indian was standing on the corner. A good-looking woman passed by, on the way to work. The Indian raised his hand in greeting, and said, “Chance!” The same thing happened several days in a row. The woman would walk past, the Indian would raise his hand, and say, “Chance!” Finally, one day, she couldn’t ignore it any longer. So she stopped, and asked, “You’re an Indian, aren’t you?” He nodded. She said, “I always thought Indians said, ‘How!’ as a greeting.” Indian said, “Already know ‘how’. Just want ‘chance’.”   Carole:) Site Admin Joined: 17 Jul 2006 Posts: 323 Location: Michigan Ode to Fry Bread Indian Fortune Cookies Q: Do you know what an NDN fortune cookie is? A: A piece of fry bread with a food stamp stuck in it Man-Eating Fry Bread Q: How are Indian men and fry bread alike? A: They’re both round, brown and greasy! Poem sung to the song, “Star Spangled Banner”. Oh, say could I have? just a nip of fry bread I would gladly go out and compete jingle dress. For some greasy fry bread I would gladly play dead I would even owl dance with six hundred pound Uncle Fred. And the drummers sung their songs even though the words sung were wrong gave proof through the night that the fry bread craze was still strong Oh, say that lard-drenched-with-jelly bread will only be eaten by meeeeeeeeeeeeee For the land of the greeeeeeeeeease and the home…. of the…. fluffy reds Poem sung to Madonna’s “Lucky Star” You must be oily fry bread ‘Cause you drip on me and the back of bald heads I just think of you and I start to drool And I think I’ll buy ten pieces you know Starlight, Starbright first fry bread seen tonight Starlight, Starbright make powwows be alright (repeat) You must drive a cool rez car ‘Cause it hasn’t yet stopped when it travels really far I just think of you as the fry bread gets burned And the concession lines start goin’ berserk (chorus) The tribal wisdom of the American Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you’re riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often used, such as: Buying a stronger whip. Changing riders. Threatening the horse with termination. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. Re-classifying the dead horse as “living impaired.” Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase their speed. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. Subject: Indian and Genie An Indian man has spent many days crossing Montana without water. His horse dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the grass, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the dirt, and discovers what looks be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie…. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Bureau of Indian Affairs badge and dull grey suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.” “I’m not falling for this.” says the man. “I’m not going to trust a B.I.A. employee.” “What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and It looks like you’re a goner anyway!” The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were on a lush reservation with plentiful food and drink.” ***POOF*** The man finds himself on the most beautiful rez he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of Rum and platters of delicacies. “OK, kid, what’s your second wish.” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my Chiefs wildest dreams.” ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” “Ok, I wish I would be desired and loved by everyone?” ***POOF*** He is changed into a crunchy chocolate bar. The moral of the story? If the B.I.A offers you anything, for sure someone is going to have to deal with some nuts. A Navajo was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Yves Saint Laurent tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, “If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The Navajo looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, “Sure.” The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 50-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, “You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!” “Amazing! That’s correct! As I agreed, you may take one of my sheep,” said the Navajo. The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished, the sheep-herder said, “If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you’re from, and who you work for, will you give back my sheep?” “Okay, why not,” answered the young man. “You’re from Washington, D.C., and you’re working for the BIA ,” said the Navajo. “Wow! That’s correct,” said the young man. “How ever did you know that?” “Easy,” answered the shepherd. “Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You wanted to be paid for providing a answer to a question for which I already knew the answer. AND, you don’t know squat about what you’re doing because you took my dog.” (the Bureau of Indian Affairs, “in charge” of managing all us Indians…) I call the BIA… Bossing Indians Around You Could Be An Indian If… Someone asks you your stance on immigration, and you just laugh. You use commodity can labels for your art collage project. You get hit in the head with an old piece of fry bread you see bluebirds.(You are probably Navajo) Your car starts with a screwdriver. In your everyday life you unintentionally seem to be breaking taboos. All the people in the community or town you live in are your cousins! (cousin-brother/cousin-sister) You don’t understand the purpose for storage lockers or their high rental costs. Why, the cars parked in your front yard store just as much stuff, plus it’s free. You’re head automatically turns at the sound of “shhhhhhhht”. (You are probably Navajo) As a young child, learning your ABC’s was hard because you wondered what the joke was every time you heard “A” (AAAYE). You attend a General Custer memorial dinner, and you wear an Arrow shirt. Someone at a picnic yells “Hey, you with the blanket, over here.”, and you think it’s an invitation for romance. You’re dancing to “Running Bear” at your local bar and it begins to rain. You put a “Free Peltier” sticker on your truck, and the FBI wiretaps your house. You get into a verbal fight with the waiter at your local Mexican restaurant over—-Sopapilla, or is it Fry Bread? Someone inadvertently points out directions with his lips and you know exactly where he is talking about. You see a cute and chubby puppy and your lips begin to water. (Probably NOT a Comanche!) During a night out on the town, you announce you’re going home and then you drive over five hours to get there. You have had a dog named Bear. You are wearing your drum group jacket and some woman looks at your jacket and says “Is that a band?” and your first thought is, “Wait a minute, do I have my tribal/rez jacket on?” Then you realize what she is talking about and when you tell her, “No, it’s a Native American drum”, she just looks at you with this blank stare and says, “Oh…” Your travel luggage is designer black Hefty Cinch Sacks! You think that the Basic Food Groups are Spam, commod cheese, fry bread, and Pepsi. Your dance outfit is in a suitcase held together by duct tape and pow-wow bumper stickers. You drive over 25mph and the paint peels off your rez truck. You tell your friends that you are letting Mother Nature sand it for you before you get a paint job. Your friend gives you a bike “for free” but you hafta pay him $20 for him to tell you where NOT to ride it. You watch an old western with some friends, you are the only on that notices that the Indians in the movie are actually Italian! A photographer is taking a family picture, and he says “CHEESE”, everyone lines up. Your relative gets a nice jacket that you wish you had so say, “Geez Hey, I REEEAAALLLY like that Jacket.” (and he gives it to you) Your car starts with a screwdriver, and a sticker that says “This is not an abandoned car.” You wake up after your 18th birthday with a wrecked truck, a hickey and bus ticket to Haskell . You should turn your head while all about you are turning theirs and blaming it on you. You prepare a conference for the Navajos and Lakota to meet on policy issues and the main course for the banquet is sheep dog. You tell an ignorant individual (dictionary definition) that you are Native American and he/she asks if you live in a tipi. You walk down the hall of a big corporation and someone asks you if you could mop up the mess that they made. And of course you oblige and afterwards come into their office and hook up their network connection to the mainframe via a tcp/ip protocol over a fiber backbone. You walk into a pub in Naperville, Il and strike up a conversation with a female patron and find yourself surrounded by individuals concerned for the safety of the female patron. During the first day at your new public school you’re waiting for circle and the rest of the class stands for the pledge of allegiance, and as you look around the room you’re the only one who doesn’t know the words. Your new History teacher is talking about a completely different Columbus then the one your old Cultural teacher taught you about. You have to drive 20 miles to use your cellular phone and always keep it under the 60 free minutes per month. All your heroes have always killed cowboys At the bar some white girl sees your an Indian…introduces herself….and before she can say her great-grandmother was a Cherokee princess…you ask her if she’s of Irish ancestry…then claim that your great great grandmother was an Irish princess. Your car has almost as much personality as you do. Your car’s three best friends are Duct Tape, Baling Wire, and WD40 (or Liquid Wrench if you live near a Pep Boys) You can get at least 1500 miles out of a spare donut tire. You get a sense of nostalgia when you hear the song “Indian Car”. You like warm Shasta Pop with Cold Fry bread. You read more in the bathroom than anywhere else. The only thing holding your car together is the mud. You see someone from home at the big city and they say they’re”so glad to see you!”, But when they see you at home, they try to ignore you. You had a 3 family garage sale every other Saturday. Your method of recruiting new native students for your Indian club is to grab students who look Native and ask them, “Do you like powwows?” You like wearing the colors fuchsia, hot pink, black, purple, and turquoise. Other girls ask you the question, “How’d you get your hair so long?” You and your cousin got hitched with your elder’s blessing. You substitute your psychic talents for caller id to see who’s calling on the phone. The Indian comedian Charlie Hill makes you laugh while the white person sitting next to you gets up and leaves. You went to see “Mortal Kombat 3” just because Litefoot’s in it. You could be an Indian at college if you refuse to date anyone who isn’t an Indian and you haven’t a date for months. You could be an Indian, and probably a breed, if you could play cowboys and Indians all by yourself as a kid. You are definitely not Indian if you ask, “Do you speak Native American?” The Reservation’s Ten Commandments As Given By The United States of America   1. You shall have no other forms of government before me.   2. You shall not make for yourself an independent and self-sufficient government, for I am a jealous bureaucracy and will punish the Indian children for the sins of their fathers to the seventh generation of those who hate me.   3. You shall not misuse my name or my symbols, for I will impale you on my flagpole.   4. Remember the first of each month by keeping it holy. The rest of the month you shall go hungry, but the first day of each month is a tribute to me, and you shall receive welfare checks and commodity food in exchange for your continued dependence.   5. Honor your Indian father and Indian mother because I have stripped them of their land, language, and hearts, and they need your compassion, which is a commodity I do not supply.   6. You shall not murder, but I will bring FBI and CIA agents to your reservations and into your homes, and the most intelligent, vocal, and angriest members of your tribes will vanish quietly.   7. You shall not commit adultery, but I will impregnate your women with illegitimate dreams.   8. You shall not steal back what I have already stolen from you.   9. You shall not give false testimony against any white men, but they will tell lies about you, and I will believe them and convict you.   10. You shall not covet the white man’s house. You shall not covet the white man’s wife, or his hopes and opportunities, his cars or VCRs, or anything that belongs to the white man. Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 5:12 pm    Post subject: I’m still laughing, Ann…!! _________________ NativeVue MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/nativevue NativeVue Yahoo: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NativeVue

 

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